I'm all ready mentally exhausted over something that I haven't even really thought about much. Tried not to think about much anyways... I have a post from my myspace that I can share with you guys just as filler. It's pretty poetically and depressively written but it's not the full extent of my feelings. I'm still trying to sort them all out.

Felix was one of many people recalled back into the military and his reporting date is March 29, 2007. Although he has this date, he his subject to be called anytime between now and then. It's pretty critical that we get his divorce finalized and that he and I get married, so we're in the midst of many thoughts about how to go about it considering the financial status is pathetic. If we would figure out where it all went every paycheck, we wouldn't have this problem, lol!

Anyways... We will be planning a wedding along with working, decorating, baby-watching and etcetera... We have come to the decision that once his divorce is finished, we will get married at JP (Justice of the Peace) and keep planning our wedding until he gets shipped off. If he happens to get called before the wedding date, then we will all ready be married and things will be taken care of... it's not as complicated as I'm making it all sound, really...

Anyway, here is the Myspace.com Blog entry:

Some people say that, "The Lord works in mysterious ways," and I would have to say that in this particular life, he is working in the strangest way of all. Not making much sense for us of the difference between what is up and what is down. What is fragile and needs to be handled with care and what is tough enough to withstand the ever-changing world known as planet Earth.

Premanency never seems to be an option. Does this mean that vacancy in my life is always going to exist?

I look at a floor littered with toys and cloths and shoes and bags and... I know that this is my life, but someday... someday much too soon it can and will change.

When you hear about most things and think to yourself, "This will never happen to me," "This doesn't directly effect me," "This has nothing to do with me...." that might be particularly true on one simple occassion, but definitely it is not the end all and be all... the final say in anything and never think that things won't or can't or don't happen to you.

But who am I to make you believe in anything I say? Nothing will hit home with you until it... drags you down in the epitome of pain... welling up in your heart and your eyes, stinging your skin with tears of confusion and absolute sheer terror, fear and lack of faith. You want to believe that there is no possible way things could go wrong, but you know the statistics, you know the odds, you know what is going to happen but can't fathom the fact that you don't know what they all see.

This is the climax of your life.

I ask myself... does he want to see me cry to know for sure that I love him this way? When will he be able to understand that if I thoroughly think about all of this that I can never again see us in the same light? That I will be a ruined woman if he never comes home? That he is part of a world that I don't want to exist in if he will never be in it again?

I worry about... our beautiful little baby who will be a year old in nearly two months now. That someday I might have to explain to her that daddy died trying to save the world for her.

You think about all the petty things in life that you argue over. The toilet seat, whose turn it is to take out the trash or do the dishes or cook or clean or do the laundry and when you realize that they are all melting away from the face of your world, then they don't seem so significant. It doesn't make sense to see this place in such a light. Why are there two candles burning for the love in your heart instead of all of them?

How many times have you wanted to shut out all the voices in this world that yell negativity at you. You're not right about it all, but you know it. And you believe that someday things will change... not that they can or they might, but they will...

And then they do. But not in the way that you were so hoping and because of that... you want to believe more than ever that things will change. Day in and day out, you try so hard to believe that they will get better, but you find yourself suddenly hanging in limbo, a hapless miserably body of life that's just... existing.

This is... the downfall of your life.

You share with the world the false face of happiness and brush things off and away as if you know that everything is all right. Will be all right.

But somewhere inside you, as you swallow a lump in your throat, when your journey begins you feel unsure.

How do you help some one that's going into a war? That's forced into a place they don't want to be?

One day, you are living a quiet undisturbed but struggling life and then next some one turns the jar upsidedown and shakes the hell out of it. Rub salt in the wound. Throw wood on the fire. Run the car into a lightpost.

How do you return to the life you thought you hated? The life that you were ungrateful for, but suddenly realize it's much better than the life you're about to receive?

What life is worth living when you have some one ripped from your loving body before their time?