I was something like 7 when my parents divorce was final. And living life as a stepchild seemed (to me) to be complicated. The divorce, I didn't understand, didn't remember the reasons why, but in the end as an adult, I know that if two people aren't meant for each other, they aren't meant for each other.

Now that I have my own family, which actually consists of a stepchild, I understand the hard work that goes into being second in some one's life. I say this because Aireka started calling me "Mommy" and even though that's what most step-parents want, I don't know if I, myself, am ready to accept that title.

Even though I have stepped up to the plate and it's been, in short, an "acheievement" to earn the title that goes hand in hand with her realization that maybe there is some one out there that has the same potential as her biological mother, it's because I know that Felix cares so much for her.

You cannot love a person with children, without loving their children.

We are... "package deals"

And to my step parents, they have earned their respect over the last double-digit some odd years.

Felix and I come from extremely different families. My family, although quiet and reserved, are the kind of people that you know are there for you, but don't much say it. We are the kind of family that has good intentions to stay in touch with each other, but never really do. But in the end, I love my brothers, sister, and parents in St. Louis, just as much as I love my parents here in Texas.

You walk a thin line when you become a step-parent... never knowing when that "you're not my father" or "you're not my mother" is going to come spinnning out of anyone's mouth. I know I said it. I'm sure I did.

Cathy and Darrell have paid their proverbial "dues" to my family and I appreciate and love them more than they think I do. And while a divorce may be potentially damaging to young (or even older) children, I know that when those children become adults, they will understand the logistics of marraige and becoming some one else's children's "father" or "mother". It is one of the most difficult non-paying jobs out there.

I just don't know if the problem lies in the fact that I have only heard my own child call me by that name or the fact that she feels I am there for her more than her own mother. It's disturbing in a way, I think.

Alternatively, my family is complete. I made the decision, at 25 and much to several physician's dismay, to get sterilized. After the IUD incident, which I took as an omen, I decided to get a tubal ligation which has 99-point-whatever percented my permanency to never have kids again.

That was powerful. NEVER have kids again.

My family is still growing it's wings despite all that. Some day we will fly and have a house and new cars, material possessions that mean more to Felix then to me. Status symbols which life is not really about in the beginning. Money might bring joy, but it also will bring misery.

Because I'm satisfied with what I have, or rather can "deal" with what I have (which incidentally is more than a lot of people in this country... and even in other countries), Felix thinks that I sell myself short.

It takes money to educate yourself for a profession, but it's not the long term loan we ever worry about. Financial Aid is a definite, obviously, with us not being married and having two children... it's the initial fee for an application we always stumble over.

Isn't that sad?

The window on the car has been broken since December... and there are many more "skeletons" in the debt closet. Don't get me wrong, the national average of monetary debt is something like... over $9000 in credit cards alone. We don't have any. (I have one that is about 1000, but it was a 200 limit, so they would settle for a lot less, believe me). In total, the average debt I believe is somewhere, total between $20,000 and $30,000. Not including mortgages and the like. I read just now in some places it's hit an all-time high of $80,000.

It takes ten minutes to ruin your credit, but ten years to clean it all up... and that's if you're lucky. We don't worry about our credit scores, however insulting they may be. We live in the moment and never look past tomorrow... or more like the first of the month when all the bills are due.

For some reason when we moved to Austin, away from everyone, we became very lucky with money. Tax refunds, misc checks, etc. But now it looks like the end of that luck streaked road.

I rememeber how everyone stressed that children were such a financial burden and such a big responsibility. Burden, no. Responsibility, yes. But Annelise is extremely intelligent, Bailey is on her way. They are well-feed, clothed, housed and loved beyond all meaning. Aireka is too when she is with us.

And the finanacial detriment I remember hearing about? Well, yeah, if you ever look at the cost of things over time, I can understand that. But when you live the way Felix and I do, you never think about a box or package of diapers once every two weeks for three years adding up to X amount of dollars. (Which I'm tempted now to find out).

Whoa... wait a minute. All of my kids are asleep before ten pm? SCORE!!! Been working on that for almost a week now.

Schedules and orginization prove to be helpful. And if you have OCD, no matter how minute the diagnosis might seem, it definitely helps to structure your household. There is a saying about how no one can do it like mommy does... it's true. I'm sorry, but it is.

Your husband cleans something up, you go behind him when he isn't looking and finish it. Your kid makes their bed, your complication urges you to fix it.

Restraint is part of what makes a good parent. If your child sees you go back and remake their bed, number one they will never make it again and two, because of that remaking of the bed, they won't ever think they've done good enough. Complicated mental illnesses come from the smallest things. I know, I'm where that side of my family lives. It's like a totally different world.

Trust in the way your baby picks up his room. Rely on the fact that you've taught her well and she won't be irresponsible as she grows. Understand that we are all human and make mistakes and let them learn from it or they never will. Let them have the freedom to take flight away from home when they become and adult, but always be there for them when they need something... whatever it is.

Creating memories and traditions that they want to carry on with their own children when they are adults themselves is the best thing you can teach them. I have one memorable tradition. Just one. I remember several other things that were done for a while and then just dissapated or tapered off and never came back. That's why I strive to make Christmas traditional, or I try to do special things.

Going to the park and eating a popsicle outside on the porch on a hot summer day might be something, but one time isn't going to make it into anything more. Traditions are repetative, purposefully done things.

Usually if you don't have something in your life, you do everything you can to make sure some one else does. It's not that I didn't have traditions and great memories, I just remember a few because I was so confused growing up, hearing things from each side, but never taking a side of my own. Just becuase I chose to stay around one parent doesn't mean I love the other one any less... it's just a different relationship.

Felix has so much more on me in the tradition department. I remember almost every weekend the year I met him his family was barbequeing. Easter, Summer time, birthdays, whenever... it didn't matter. His family is so big and intricate that you could probably never meet them all and if you did, well hell... good luck remembering thier names!

But the best part about his family is... even though they fight, yell, argue, what have you, in the end they are there for each other. If there is a falling out and the next day some one ends up in the hospital, they're there.

Families are different all around the globe. Strict discipline, no discipline, education, work at 14, 1 hour of tv a day or watch whatever the hell you want, just don't bother me, it doesn't matter.

To the last string, you are related. There is something in them that there is in me. Something in my children that is Felix's brother and sisters... somewhere.

I heard that there was a recent study about putting 31 hours of work and miscellaneous things into a 24 hour day... With a 7 year old, a 2 1/2 year old, a 2 1/2 month old and a 4 month old that I babysit... I believe it. In fact, I'm surprised I'm not putting in something like overtime... perhaps 50 hours in a 24 hour day.